A marriage must have a growth mechanism in it for it to be happy. The growth mechanism of a good marriage is the willingness to self confront - to be honest enough with yourself to address what your limitations and liabilities are - so you can self correct. You’re willing to take feedback from your spouse and from your children, to look at yourself honestly and to consider who you are and what your impact is. As much as we don’t like to admit it - no one is above the human condition.

I will help you as a couple to see the things you may not yet see. To help you see where you collude with each other to keep the existing relationship dynamic continuing on its current trajectory.

We’ll work together to help you both, to better see yourselves enough to take on deeper responsibility for your role in your partnership and to grow into people more capable of love and desire and more capable of self respect and collaboration.

My approach is developmental at it’s core, and based on using the principles of The Crucible Approach. It’s about understanding what it means to be human and is underlined by the theory of differentiation which is in essence - Psychological Maturity - the ability to balance two of the most fundamental drives of human’s - one is our urge to belong, to be connected with others and the other is the urge to be free and autonomous and direct the course of our lives. So both wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be our own person are the two most fundamental drivers of being human and paradoxically the two most fundamental problems that couples have in emotionally committed relationships.

The Crucible approach emphasizes personal growth and the concept of differentiation.

Differentiation focuses on helping you to tolerate anxiety while facing issues head on, all the while improving your ability to self soothe while you hear and say difficult things. It also involves improving your ability to hold onto your sense of self while maintaining the relationship. This requires you to be able to balance your self-integrity, your needs and self-identity with that of your partner – and vice versa.

Some of the main concepts and terms created by Dr. David Schnarch and identified in Crucible focused therapy include:

• Differentiation - the 4 key points - 1. The ability to maintain a clear sense of who you are. A solid sense of self as opposed to a reflected sense of self. 2. The ability to self soothe, to tolerate invalidating view points. 3. Learning to control your own reactivity - the degree to which we don’t react allows us to get close to our partner. 4. The willingness to tolerate discomfort for growth.

• Emotional gridlock – which occurs when you cannot agree to disagree and feel that you can no longer compromise.

• Normal marital sadism – which are the typical mean, sarcastic and spiteful things that couples tend to say and do to each other – both sexually and non-sexually.

• Self and Other validated intimacy – self validated intimacy is about sharing your thoughts and feelings to your partner and other validated intimacy is when your partner accepts those thoughts and feelings.

• Collaborative alliance – you, your partner, and the therapist have the same goals.

……we need to remember that we are living with an out and out sadistic terrorist, and then there’s your partner to worry about. - Dr David Schnarch

By using these concepts I will ultimately push you and your partner outside of your comfort zones and help you both to tolerate discomforts in order to develop and become more emotionally mature - ultimately bringing you closer together.

The sexual relationship matters in most marriages and unless there have been explicit, open and honest discussions where agreements have been reached it is an important part of any emotionally committed relationship. For most people getting married, sex and attraction are foundational elements. It’s a fundamental part of an emotionally committed and intimate relationship. Bringing our sexuality to one another is an important, yet sometimes challenging and vulnerable thing to do, even and quite often more so, after a long period of time together.  It’s important to look at how emotionally enmeshed you are as a couple and the meanings we attribute to sex and how it can be a key part in your marriage. Learning to take on more responsibility for who we each are can increase our capacity for intimacy – both emotional and sexual. Sex is a place to lose oneself in pleasure, care and connection.

“Intimacy is the willingness to know another and be known by another. How deeply you want to be known and know the other, the deeper the intimacy is. Actual intimacy is just the willingness to show who you are and to really know who the other is, even the invalidating parts of the other – the ways they are different from you, think different from you and believe different from you – it takes a lot of courage to be intimate” – Dr Jennifer Finlayson-Fife.

Growing and developing our emotional maturity is the cornerstone of healthy relationships— a delicate balance of maintaining individuality while fostering intimacy. My approach illuminates this path, guiding couples to navigate the complexities of relationships and intimacy with courage and authenticity. Through my coaching, you'll learn to embrace your unique selves while deepening your connection with your partner, creating a relationship that thrives on mutual respect and understanding. To truly cherish and choose each other and honestly choose the relationship.

“Emotionally committed relationships are people growing machines. How long your marriage has been in difficulty is not a good predictor of how long it will take to change it – it is however an excellent predictor of how long it will stay bad if you keep doing it the same way” – Dr David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage)

By arming people with new information and a different way of looking at what’s going on in the relationship it really is remarkable how much progress can achieved!